Eye's words, you, and see

Woah, barely noticed that the tumblr dashboard looks different.

Anyways, I’m getting an opportunity to run the 4x100 relay for the varsity boys track team this Thursday. My friend happened to get hurt and that sucks, but I’m glad that I’m getting a chance to just run and compete alongside these varsity boy runners. This team, with the people that are a part of it, is made up of people that I’ve known since freshman year and they’re all really fast. This team includes Christian Knight, Andrew Wee, Calvin Chang, Nick Hernandez, and Kevin Chiao, three of whom I have constantly watched run over the past three years. These runners were so fast during our freshman year that when I tried out for track after the wrestling season ended and after the official try outs had already occurred, I “barely made it into the bubble”. (quoting Marnell) Apparently Willis had my back, then, and pushed for Marnell to accept my 13:10 second 100 meter time. Thinking back now, I realize that the pack of runners that entered Gabrielino High during 2008 were not only gifted but also truly lucky. I mean, what are the chances that we would all end up here in the same year, on this one spot of land at the same time, and all compete in track and field. It’s this thought of having each other and running together on pure chance that makes me believe in something. Nothing mystical, mind you, but just something nice. Also, besides my thoughts of the other guys, my team, and my school I’m also really glad because I’m getting a chance to just run my first ever sprinting event. Hahaha, I’m excited and I hope for lots of laughs afterwards.

“But it was like to stop consuming’s to stop being human
And why’d I make a change if you won’t?
We’re all in the same boat
Staying afloat for the moment

We walk the plank with our eyes wide open”   Gotye-Eyes Wide Open

There’s nothing like starting homework to the smashing sound of drums.

“I wish I could say something classy and inspirational, but that just wouldn’t be our style. Pain heals. Chicks dig scars. Glory… lasts forever.”   The Replacements

Tomorrow is another day for glory. Participating in time trials and biking with friends to Pasadena. Glory also creates chemistry. Oh, what a feat it’s been. I’ve learned that from wrestling.

Pshoww. Writing from my dad’s iPad. I jumped quite a few times today. Andrew said that I was still jumping high despite my feeling pretty weak later in my jumps. One jump went further than the others and presently, I seem to be making giant ditches wherever I land. They’re at least, what, a foot or so deep? Andrew landed right in my ditch today and it sucked cuz he hurt himself. I’ll make sure to clean up the holes I make next time.
Other than that, I ran a total of 3 times around the track today on different intervals, did some pullups, did some box jumps, tried to do a planch with Kevin, and also tried to flag with him, too. Also, I did push ups with Kevin during lunch. He got a blueberry pie from Mr. Curtis and I got a honey bun. We’re some cool dudes. Cool enough for blueberry pie and honey buns. Yumm
And um, I think it’s time to take up meditating again, cuz Lyly suggested it. I’ve been a pretty impatient and restless youth recently. “the hell with everything. I do what I want.” hahaha, Dorian, calling you out to get my reference.
I digress. Somewhat
Moments. If I needed a moment I’d throw a Kit-kat. I’d eat one piece of the bar and throw the rest of it, wrapped and everything, while eating.
Truth is, though, I can’t see myself littering like that.
So, maybe I’ll just pick it up afterwards, then eat the rest of it.

You guys make me smile when I need a smile. HAhaha

Smile. :)

Good night, buddy. 

Two days ago, I felt good spending the time that I had to do things other than homework. Today, I have time to study physics, calc., or do Gov. notecards. I don’t want to do any of these. My friend, anonymous, spoke to me about how he’s been enjoying life. Right now is not one of those times that I am enjoying life. I need a friggin book to read. I want to read Death of a Salesman. And, well, I want to do other things, too. This morning, I counted the birds that were on the trees in the senior quad. It was pretty nice. There were twenty six total. I don’t know what I want right now. The same friend showed me this cool song today, Somebody That I Used to Know covered by Walk off the Earth. Aint that fancy. No, it’s cool. Interaction, purpose. Haha. I had a great time on the track field today. I had fun jumping on my own pace, jumping with my friends, practicing my high jumping steps alone, and doing pull ups. I want to high jump tomorrow. I want to long jump, too. And I also want other people to be there, too. It’s merrier.
Actually, I think I know what’s wrong. Hmm, to get rid of it or not. That is the question. Nah. To be or not to be is. jk that’s Hamlet’s. 

Sigh, it’s 9 already. I spent a lot of time playing pinball(on my dad’s ipad and not the lame computer one. clarification for kevin’s sake), some random game that I deleted around 1 hour after playing, and looking for a good fishing game app. Another hour went to my five question long calc. homework. It was sort of annoying. All in all, it’s 9:14 right now and I don’t know. I feel like i wasted a lot more time than yesterday, or than I should have doing the things that i did. Eh, there’s not much to think about. Ima go to sleep soon.

Love, Benson

By “it” I mean my parents eating out together after my dad picks up my mom from the airport and by “this” I mean a date. You see, my mom’s been at Vancouver for the past three weeks and four weeks ago, my dad just arrived home from his 1 month trip in Vietnam. They’re probably talking and chatting like a normal couple right now and I haven’t really seen this happen much before. It just so happens today is Valentine’s Day. It doesn’t make it anymore special, though. Just a coincidence. It’s completely irrelevant otherwise.

Well, have fun. 

It’s been a long and lengthy day and it feels like i haven’t really slept. I feel energetic and yet tired at the same time. I still think that I should sleep, though. It’s good for me. Hmm I’m pretty free right now. Just finished all of my homework and it’s only 7:45. Pretty cool. So, I just want to spend this time to keep still and appreciate some things. I want to appreciate my aunt whom calls me on her free time to ask me about college. She persistently dials my number of her own accord just to inquire how the college process is going for me. She’s offered to be a listener for me many times, but I’ve never really called her for that reason. She’s also given me money to buy things for myself when a family shopping event occurs. Overall, I’m thankful and I think I’ll call her one day just to talk, but maybe not some day soon.

I also want to spend this time to appreciate my two aunts that serve me food almost every day. I probably won’t be as healthy as I am if I hadn’t eaten at their place for the last 3 or more years. It’s been nice, though a bit restricting. The food that’s cooked is all healthy. That’s probably why it’s restricting. Also, I have to drive to their place everyday. But! That’s not the point. They’re there for me everyday and I love the fruits they grow. It’s yummy and I don’t know what I’d like to do for them yet.

Finally, I’d like to appreciate my mom. This is a bit more complicated and also much more simple. For one, we’ve got disagreeing differences, but she’s my mom. It’s really that complicated and also that simple. Well, she’s my mom. She’s taken care of me, bought me things, fed me, clothed me, guide me through my life. Just lots of things in general. That’s why it’s so simple. She’s my mom. Thanks. I think I’d like to do something for her, too. But I feel pretty cheesy whenever I seem to want to do something for my parents out of the blue. It’s really annoying. I don’t really know how to work my way past it. It’s quite difficult to understand. Okay, actually this is enough.

Just thanks

Everyone out there is just looking for some form of his or her own happiness.

I listen to music. I write about the sky, the stars, and some old shows. I write about eyes. I write about the casual me. I write about a fart. I write about my feet that are tucked in under the blankets. I also write about my day and how good it was by twelve. I write about 3 o’clock under a dim light. I write about a script. I write about my father. I write about my day. I write about here. I write about how I am. I write about wanting water. I write about body healthiness. I write about my mom getting me a watch and how my aunt and grandma shopped with her for it. I write about how she’s been gone for a while. I write about how I want to see the movie. I write about basketball, dodge ball, and football. I write about my sister and finally, I write about how I haven’t written about these things at all.

I think it’s a given that most guys close up their emotions. Girls seem to share their emotions among each other much more than guys do. It’s just an observation, but I think guys substitute a lack of emotional support with physical support. I mean, girls give physical support, too, but it just seems different with guys. Maybe it’s just that a pat on the back, a man hug, or a handshake are all just different variations of physical support that guys give each other. I think this amount of physical support arises from individual guys wanting to be strong. Well, I don’t think I can say physical actions only give physical support. I guess emotional support can be given physically, too. Maybe I’m just observing a general preference or even too small a world in general, and maybe I’m just generalizing too much, but the truth is it’s a bit awkward starting deep conversations with my guy friends. It’s not as awkward when I talk to a girl, because I guess they seem more accustomed to confiding or sharing more. I don’t know. Maybe guys do just talk about football and sports and if something foreign like feelings are introduced into a conversation, well, I’d have to quote Steven Hyde from That 70’s Show to explain this one, “Shut up Forman, I’m fine!” 

P.S. I don’t think humans should be generalized in this way. I just don’t understand and I really mean it. I don’t. 

Merit my love, merit my heart’s desires, merry it be the best of me, and I will marry thee.

Haha, cheesy as hell. Been thinking about The Vow, cuz yeah. Anyway, probably not gonna see it.

Perhaps my chest is filled with muscles and perhaps it is filled with fat and bones, too, but the only thing that I can fill it with is air and I am the only one who can do that. (of course this is not entirely true, but it’s true enough to be said by me) ;D

Liking this piece of air I’m breathing and I wish people love breathing air, too. Wrestling makes it different for me. Actually, I’d like to describe that. Sometimes after practice, I’m breathing really hard and the breaths I take feel like the water I drink to quench a great thirst. It’s pretty amazing and I love that wrestling makes me feel this way because it always reminds me how valuable air is.

Tumblr is full of pretty cool pictures. Thanks to the people I follow. :) 

Freshman, Sophomore, Junior, Senior

If I live a hundred years and categorize my life in this fashion, then I’d be a freshman till I’m 25, and despite being a senior in high school right now I’m actually fond of this idea. I still feel like I’m a freshman somehow.

I think I feel tired daily because I don’t eat enough Calories. Hmm, I hope that’s the case. I’ll just eat more and exercise some more, then I’ll have more time to do other things. :) Maybe sleep later during the night. *yawnn. I’m feeling it already. Oo, econ. seems interesting already, although the vocabulary seems mundane. Yep. Lotsa things seem interesting. 

“I wish I could say something classy and inspirational, but that just wouldn’t be our style. Pain heals. Chicks dig scars. Glory… lasts forever.”   The Replacements

“The greatest tragedy in mankind’s entire history may be the hijacking of morality by religion”   Arthur C. Clarke

“Just because someone likes the same bizarre crap that you do, doesn’t make them your soul mate.”

“I don’t feel comfortable being anyone’s anything.” 

Both from 500 Days of Summer 

By the way, I love “The Glass of Milk”

“Diary for October 27, 1952
Property of Theodore McArdle
412 A Deck

Appropriate and pleasant reward if finder promptly returns to Theodore McArdle.”   J.D. Salinger

Bahahaha.

Well, I’ve been wanting to share stuff for a while, but I don’t know what I want to share. Emotions? Thoughts? I’m not consciously sure, so I’ll just throw a bunch of stuff out there and I’ll start with this:

Diary for January 21, 2012
Property of Benson Thai
House study room

And well, this can’t be returned. Not really.

Recently, I participated in a wrestling tournament. It’s the West Covina Tourney with like 50 teams—Jeez I need music to write.

Well, I got a song going. Alright, let’s get this thing started again. So, yesterday night, of the 50 teams and twenty or so schools that attended the tournament, the Gabrielino wrestling team was briefly in the running for third place for team scores. We stayed in the top ten teams with the most team points till the end, but we didn’t win a trophy or anything. It was so beautifully nice. Pin, Pin, pin, pin after pin. Cheer after cheer and stare after stare, we watched our teammates head onto the mats from the top of the bleachers, walking down like majestic beings who really didn’t look all that majestic. Parents of our fellow wrestlers joined us and cheered along with us. I think, for the most part, they were our greatest inspiration for cheering so much. It was a delight to have parents and wrestlers alike around, and I honestly love our corner. *insert smile

And yesterday was pretty awesome, besides the cheering and fan stuff. I wrestled like a beast and got beaten by a real swell guy. All in a day’s work and whatever I meant by that. Anyways, I’d like to share my favorite part of one of my matches yesterday. During my last match, which was important for reaching the second day of the tournament, I wrestled a rather tall guy from Burrough High School. During our match, while I attacked him and poured my offense into the match, I heard his coach advising him, literally saying, “Watch out for him. He’s dangerous in neutral.” Now, for those who don’t know anything about amateur wrestling, neutral is the standard starting position that all wrestlers must work off of to begin a match. It’s supposed to be technically the most fair position to begin with. I guess you can call this an ego boost, which I think it is. Haha. However, I think one day, I’ll forget this, but for now, I won’t forget how it makes me gleam with pride.

So, my diary’s become a sort of story time. If you read this, well, thanks—i.e., for listening. I hoped more to just throw things out and be done with it, but I explained a lot for the benefit of listeners. Thanks.

I’m actually happy I’m going to practice tomorrow. :)
I’m so excited for track, too. I want to work hard this year and do some crazy jumps.

Cuz its gonna be so damn fun. 

1 year in the brewing.
1 year in the fridge.
1 year exploding.
and it’s all fine. :)

If i knew it was gonna happen, I wouldn’t have done it.
Actually, there are more important thoughts in life.
regret

I’m at the rift where passion dulls.
My hate subsides and I feel calmer in mind.
I thought that I had incurred a debt of hate,
but there was only so much of such a touchy taste.

A few words did wonders
and its not that I am so easily taken.
Its just that the filled rift between two parts of mind
connected the vast past to the continuing present time.

A few words binded love to hate
and formed a ring that mutually sates.
Somehow my past love is neutralizing my present hate,
as the result of a few words that cleared the haze.
___________

I’m at the rift where passion dulls.
My love subsides and I feel calmer in mind.
I thought that I had incurred a debt of love,
but there was only so much of such a touchy taste.

A few words did wonders
and its not that I am so easily taken.
Its just that the filled rift between two parts of mind
connected the vast past to the continuing present time.

A few words binded hate to love
and formed a ring that mutually sates.
Somehow my present hate is neutralizing my past love
as the result of a few words that cleared the haze.

That goddamned fresh ankle. And that’s enough.

Life is a hyperbolic time chamber. We can train all we want. We’ve got the time.

Oh so profound hate for this man.
So young and naive the passion is bland.
It’s like a well that seeps deeper and deeper
and at the bottom it gets meaner and meaner.
One quick choice of the two
and comes along a million to choose.
This quick and dirty path, I will pick
in spite of all the evidence that don’t make me sick,
for I am selfish, young, and have eyes horribly fixed. 

Bath on fire
not my precious bath!
where will i put my attire?
ah crap
this’ll rhyme
and die at the same time.
What the hell, my bath’s on fire.
Crap, what am i gonna do about being dirty and tired?
crap, it’s already dying
i mean, whatever i’m trying.
i guess i’ll ditch it
but now that I’ve told you, i know i still haven’t.
Crap. My bath’s on fire.
What the hell.

And snow drools with pain
when pain had already been obtained.
It stacks on higher like gathering lottery numbers,
and sits fat on the earth as a mutual cumber.
Then it melts and goes away.
It floats and floats and might come back another day.

A band of lightning
that predicts the strikes
wraps around the arm,
brightening in the night.

The darker it gets,
the brighter it glows.
The more we forget,
the more we’ll always know.

In the night, it lights up our eyes.
With thoughts we stare at it straightforward and blind,
thinking, “what is this doing on our arm?”
Suppose it was the greed of a charm.
It was something bright that we just wanted to be ours. 

Searing flame overhead,
Churning noodles causing deep, heavy breaths.
Feet and movements never stop,
Flame and burning never drop.

Red, meaning go,
No one ever knows.
All that come,
All shall show.

More and more with grace and charity
None who need can truly bring clarity.

Because Clannad has made me feel so grateful and these bolded words now feel more powerful than ever.

Dedicated to David Vuong

“So, after all I’ve written, I remember the first games that I ever received. One birthday—and now that I think about it, it’s probably my most favorite birthday ever—my aunt bought me a green gameboy color with a Powerpuff Girl game. My uncle bought me a Nintendo 64 and the Mickey Speedway USA game. It’s probably my favorite birthday for three reasons. 1, my uncle and aunt cared enough to think about what I wanted; 2, because my whole family surrounded me as I opened these gifts; 3, because I probably had the biggest grin in my life as I finished ripping the wrapping paper apart.”

I’m so grateful right now towards my dai kazoku (which includes my friends), and maybe that’s what I lacked before, a sense of keen gratefulness. Somehow, along the way, I lost my sense of gratefulness, and it might have been when I learned to stop crying. Now that I think about it, the only reason that I ever cried as a kid was so that my feelings would be let out, but there was also something else much more subtle that I never exactly noticed before. When I cried, it didn’t help to just cry and let loose my torrenting tears; I only ever felt better after talking to someone and venting about what happened afterwards. As a result, I would be very grateful to the person. I think that I forgot about that. (I never really reflected about this) So, now that I’ve grown up and have stopped crying, people no longer come up to me and ask me what’s wrong. I guess I sort of have to reach out now, because I’m really passive and bad at signals. And I also sort of guess that telling kids not to cry is not exactly a good thing. I think that crying’s a simple and honest call for help and, if that is taken away from children, then children who’ve grown up to be adults just get more complicated and indirect. I mean, it’s one thing to teach a kid not to cry because he’s whining or just plain complaining, but if you just plainly tell him to grow up and be a man, then he’ll grow up to be one, but he’ll be one with a buried heart.

Dango, dango, dango, dango, dango dai kazoku

…itsumo…shiawase… 

So, I’m dedicating this to Elwin Tran and am posting it up because of him, because he suggested I write about something happy.

  As a child, I always loved playing games. Thinking back now, I can’t even remember what was the first video game that I ever played. Some of my earliest memories of video games were from school. I used to trade my gameboy color game cartridges to friends at school, because my parents wouldn’t buy me video games. (I had horrible grades as a kid, so I would never deserve any new games) Anyway, I can’t remember what I traded but I do remember getting Megaman Xtreme and some Tarzan game in return. They were great! Also, as a child, I was the worst gamer ever. I never understood why I sucked at games so much, but I loved games anyway. Megaman was a gaming icon taht lived through my childhood and well into my teen years. I remember once, when I was in Canada, I link-cabled my gameboy advance with my elder cousin’s so that we could battle each other. It was so fun even though every time we battled, I could never beat him. Now, this game, a gameboy advance system game, was, I believe, the first ever gameboy advance game that my parents ever bought me. I think I even chose it myself. But when I first go the game, I was extremely annoyed by it, because I couldn’t understand how to play the game. I think, within the first week, I went over to my eldest guy cousin’s home, next-door, and asked him to play the game for me. After watching him play the game, I sort of felt that the game was probably enjoyable, because he continued to play the game for an hour or two. Also, because the game seemed enjoyable, I tried playing the game again. This Megaman game, though, was really frustrating, so I ended up taking much longer than a year to beat it. Anyways, I’m digressing and I’ll continue to do so. One summer, I believe, during summer school, I left my clear colored gameboy advance being a school pillar and, after minutes of searching, I never saw it again. It was very sad.

After the gameboy advance, the gameboy sp was released. It was the most amazing thing ever, because this portable system had a back light. My parents never bought me this game console, but being the passionate gamer that I was, I went and grabbed my forbidden Snoopy bank and took money out to buy the system at San Gabriel Supermarket. (By this time, my grades had improved, but I was still, in my mother’s eyes, a naughty kid at school. And I sort of was) After my sneaking around every time my parents went to the superstore to buy groceries, I had accumulated many games. I bought, with my Snoopy money, 3 Fire Emblems, Megaman and Bass, Metroid, and many other games that I cannot remember. (I bought multiple Fire Emblems so that my friends could play with me) Never before had I ever felt this much freedom in obtaining games. It was some pretty damn shady business, though, because I wasn’t trusted with money and I was sort of small. (sort of) Every time my mother asked me where I got the system, I’d tell her that I borrowed it from a friend. It was actually true, though, at first. But when I returned my friend’s system, I sort of made it into a lie. I finally confessed, though, and I really can’t remember why. But I do remember that one time, when my father offered to buy me a game, I felt sort of bad. I accepted his offer anyway, though, and bought the new Fire Emblem game.

After the gameboy sp, my parents did buy me a new system. They got me the new ds and I did love it, once, till I grew a little older and bought a ds lite from my friend. after this, I bought on more system on my own, the psp; however, by this time, I was more in control of my own money and it wasn’t as sneaky a business. Also, after a while, I learned how to hack my own game systems and downloaded games online. As a result, I never needed to buy games again. But then this didn’t stop me from buying games, either. I just really loved having them be mine.

So, after all I’ve written, I remember the first games that I ever received. One birthday—and now that I think about it, it’s probably my most favorite birthday ever—my aunt bought me a green gameboy color with a Powerpuff Girl game. My uncle bought me a Nintendo 64 and the Mickey Speedway USA game. It’s probably my favorite birthday for three reasons. 1, my uncle and aunt cared enough to think about what I wanted; 2, because my whole family surrounded me as I opened these gifts; 3, because I probably had the biggest grin in my life as I finished ripping the wrapping paper apart.

Translated lyrics of the song Monochrome Rainbow(Bakuman 2 ED)

In this world, every day is dull and full of nonsense
I cover my ears, trying to mute the noise
Why do people hurt each other?
Can you hear my heartbeat
Baby, I trust you, my friend
In the contradictory, overlapping shadows
On the recesses of my heart, fallen into despair
while carrying this pain in my chest
can i really dream of tomorrow?
Remembering the rainbow found after the rain,
I close my eyes, come fly with me into my dream
I have you, who shines so strong
I can envision an everlasting rainbow
and even remember the moonlight of the night we met
I can picture them… countless times
over and over again…

“And it was now time for me to venture out again, to discover once more who I was and who I could be…”

  Peter Jenkins

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

By: Robert Frost

This is great! I wish that I’d appreciated this earlier, but it was simply a road not taken.

What I wanted to say
suddenly became this disfigured shape.

I don’t even know what it is,
but I know that I once thought about it.

I have only the memory of thoughts that existed,
and now it suddenly feels emptier than I had intended.

I wanted a coke from Popeyes cuz my stomach was hurting after practice. I went there and it turned out that they only had Mountain Dew, Pepsi, Dr. Pepper, Brisk Rasberry, Pink Lemonade, and Lemonade, so I just filled up my lil cup with Mountain Dew and then Dr. Pepper afterwards. I think those were the drinks anyway.

Anyways, I met this conspiracy person at Popeyes today. Well, I listened to him while he talked to this other guy. His mind was so wrapped up in conspiracies that it was scary. It was interesting, though and that was a first for me.

I guess Welcome to the N.H.K.

Lol. So, I went on my adventure to the market today, planning to buy a pack of boxers from Target and a half gallon carton of orange juice from Fresh & Easy, and hoping that I would get some vitamin whatever—which just so happens to be vitamin D—from the sun on my walk to these two places. Well, I ended up at GNC somehow on my way to Target and instead of buying my pack of boxers, I ended up buying a bottle of 500 tablets of Vitamin C—i.e. without rose hip or whatever. I used up most of my money on the vitamins, so I decided to just go ahead towards Fresh & Easy. Now I don’t even know what happened there, but I ended up buying a whole friggin gallon of orange juice with massive amounts of pulp. I just tasted it and it doesn’t taste nearly as great as my other half gallon, paper carton of orange juice. Sad face. :(

But good day. :)

I actually like seeing stacked dishes in the sink, except they can’t have any food in them.
…
I don’t care about my dissatisfaction mentioned in my previous post anymore.
…
Death is greed. Life is greed.
Just don’t go dressing it up, please.
…
My abdominal muscle, spleen, or something in the middle is so sore that it hurts to laugh. But I’ll laugh for anyone who can make me smile. :)
…
Pity is the acknowledgement of deprivation. It should not make people feel good about themselves.
…
A short burst of willpower with ignorance of the world.
…
Irritation. I narrow my eyes when I’m irritated and I narrowed them today when I had to participate in an activity called shark bait. I’m not going to practice tomorrow. I’m gonna say hello to Franny and Zooey and orange juice—after I go to the market. Also, I’d like to hear the clinking of finished dishes. Thanks very much.
Aw, shit.
I just got called to do the dishes.